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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29569494">I Loved and I Loved and I Lost You...</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/KittyGalaxy/pseuds/KittyGalaxy'>KittyGalaxy</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Magnus Archives (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Its mostly JonMartin if you squint, M/M, Martin coping with the whole situation, Screen Reader Friendly, What couldve potentially caused him to turn to the Lonely, and even then its really only Martin, depression spiral?;;;;, its more of a Martin character analysis, only Jon and Martin are actually in this fic the others are mentioned, peter is a prick, set during the time Jon is in a coma, the major character deaths are all canon compliant</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 22:36:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,019</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29569494</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/KittyGalaxy/pseuds/KittyGalaxy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jon has come back from the Unknowing, but he's on death's doorstep. Martin tries to cope.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Loved and I Loved and I Lost You...</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A Martin character study mostly,,,</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Martin had never felt as alone as he does in this moment. Sasha had been taken by the NotThem, Tim had stopped the Unknowing by sacrificing himself, and while Jon had made it back, he was as good as dead. Kept alive by tubes and machinery. The only thing that was still Jon's own, the only thing still giving Martin any semblance of hope, was that Jon's brain was still functioning.</p><p> </p><p>Basira had lost Daisy to the Buried, and Martin felt for her, but they had never been particularly close. Martin didn’t even know how to start going about comforting her. He didn’t know if she’d even want him to. So, he took to visiting Jon in the hospital as much as possible instead. He stayed at his bedside for however long at a time as he could afford.</p><p> </p><p>Martin had read once—or did he hear it somewhere?—No matter, he heard, or read, somewhere that talking to people, even if they were in a coma, could help them, because hearing was supposedly the last sense to go out. So, Martin would gently hold Jon's slightly-too-cold hand and talk to him. Partially to help Jon, partially to keep his own hopes alive, and partially because he was mad that he couldn’t do anything else for him.</p><p> </p><p>So, he sits there during his visits, and he tells Jon about how his plan had been successful. That burning statements had distracted Elias long enough to set up, and spring, the trap. He told Jon that Elias was where he belonged now. In jail. Martin leaves out the part where Elias confronted him with his own fears and trauma. He does tell Jon about how Basira appears to be coping, but he’s still worried about her. He tells him about how Melanie is getting angrier by the day. He’s worried about her too. That’s his natural state of being, isn’t it? Worried. Whether it’s wanted or not.</p><p> </p><p>It was approximately his 26th visit, he had more or less lost count by now, when he finally broached the subject of Tim being dead. When he is no longer able to talk about it, he spends the rest of his visit in silence, mourning the loss of their friend for the both of them. There had been a lot of complicated feelings at the end. Anger, and guilt, and confusion, and paranoia, and—! ...But underneath all that they had been friends. Martin had hoped that they could work things out between them, had hoped that after the Unknowing, they’d sit down and talk. Martin would’ve made them if he’d had to. Now Tim was dead and they would never get the chance. Martin hoped Jon would wake up soon.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>It had been close to four months now. Martin continued to visit, sometimes Basira would visit too. They rarely visited at the same time though. Basira was a private person and Martin talked too much. On the days they did visit together, he would try to be quieter.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>He continued to tell Jon things, mostly more minor things now. You tend to run out of things to talk about after a while of one-sided “conversations”. It had been a little over five months since the Unknowing. He did tell Jon about Elias' replacement though, a man named Peter Lukas. More enigma than man really. He told Jon that he’d been appointed as Lukas' personal assistant, and how he hated every second of it so far.</p><p> </p><p>Peter Lukas was a strange man, Martin thought—when he bothered to actually be around, that is. He told Jon as much. He didn’t see the others in the archives anymore. Or anyone in the institute really. Peter had told him about a 15th entity which was trying to separate itself from the End. The Extinction, he had called it. Martin knew Peter was trying to use him for something, he had said that they were in this together, but Martin was not that stupid or naive. He played along though, knowing people found it easy to underestimate him, to look down on him, despite his… actually rather impressive height. So, he resolved to try and use Peter for his own plans, his own goals.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>It had been nearly six months. Almost half a year since him and Jon had had a proper conversation, instead of the one-sided babbling Martin had been doing. They had gotten closer, before the Unknowing. Jon had started opening up more. He had apologised for how he had treated Martin in the past. He apologised for that a lot. Martin had already forgiven him. Jon had started to more openly and readily express his gratitude, genuine gratitude, albeit awkwardly, for Martin's caring actions. Even just for his presence. Maybe Martin’s romantic feelings would always remain unrequited, but they had become friends, and god dammit he missed Jon! He missed him so much! He desperately needed Jon to come back to him. Jon had to wake up. He had to.</p><p> </p><p>Peter had been getting to him more and more lately. He told himself that wasn’t the case. He kept telling Martin that what he was doing was useless, that Jon wasn’t going to wake up, and that even if he did, he wouldn’t need Martin. He kept telling himself that Peter was wrong, but it was getting harder to convince himself. The voice in the back of his mind got meaner. The six month mark was almost upon him now, and still Jon hadn’t so much as stirred. He didn’t agree with Peter on most reasons to leave Jon alone in the hospital. All except one. He needed to stop wasting time here, needed to focus on figuring out the Extinction, and how to stop other fear rituals. He needed to accept that nothing he had done during these visits so far in these six months had helped, and that Jon was probably gone forever. Just like Tim and Sasha. He was alone. He needed to focus on something productive. He was alone, and that was fine. He always had been really.</p><p> </p><p>He stopped visiting.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the feels. ^^;;;</p></blockquote></div></div>
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